-- Seeing Barry Bonds dress up as Paula Abdul a few weeks ago sure beats his daily surly Simon Cowell impression. Ten years from now, you'll find the "Sultans of Syringe" Bonds, Canseco, MacGwire, Sosa and Palmiero sitting under a sign: Autographs - 35 cents, 4 for $1 ... Will we ever forget pitcher Gaylord Perry loading up baseballs like Dagwood loading up sandwiches? ... Remember another pitcher, Don Sutton, who with a piece of sandpaper could make the ball do more tricks than the Blue Angels? ... Many years ago Ty Cobb climbed into the stands to assault a one-armed heckler and punched out a black groundskeeper, then choked the man's wife. They're all on our All-Dysfunctional team ... Johnny Damon in a Yankee uniform is like seeing Pamela Anderson wearing a white wedding dress!
-- Nets star Vince Carter has bought ($2.5 mil) a new gymnasium for his alma mater, Daytona Mainland High School ... Being a Knicks fan must be like being stuck on Gilligan's Island after Ginger and Mary Ann were rescued ... We like sleeper Texas to win colleges' "March Madness".
-- According to Diane Myerscough, the koala bear is the laziest animal in the world, sleeping 22 hours a day.
-- After checking hospital records, Steeler running back Jerome Bettis actually is from Topeka, not Detroit. Time to put "The Bus" in the garage ... 370-lb. NFL sideline reporter Tony Siragusa has signed on to follow Jerry Rice for "Dancing with the Stars" ... Sporting News' early preseason college football poll: 1 - Ohio State; 2 - Auburn; 3 - West Virginia.
-- Did you hear over-rated Olympic skier Bode Miller is in trouble again? He got pulled over because he wasn't weaving ...My sister-in-law Shirley thought the curling competition had something to do with the figure skaters' hair stylists ... How many of you feel Olympics figure skating judges should start giving their critiques out loud and on camera (a la American Idol) to help generate better ratings?
-- Longest recorded hole-in-one: On October 7, 1965, Robert Matera aced a 447-yard hole at Miracle Hills Golf Club in Omaha.
-- And finally, Bobby Haggart asks, "How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin?" They both take away the coffin.
(Some of the information in this column was obtained from other news organizations)