-- It's pretty clear that the last person to ride a bike in France without getting doped up was Inspector Jacques Clouseau!
-- Gridiron fans, it's time to warm up your recliners! ... Wouldn't Mike Ditka make a delightful successor to NFL comish Mike Tagliabue? ... Last fall the Panthers called on pro wrestling legend and local hero Ric Flair to tape a message for their stadium scoreboard imploring fans to behave responsibly. After showing it for several weeks, he was busted for a roadrage incident, allegedly choking a 29-year-old and kicking in the side of his car ... Typical team training camp shopping list: 8,675 pounds of vegetables, 5,376 pounds of poultry and 5,350 pounds of meat ... Yes, Doug Flutie has retired. They plan to present him with a rocking chair, along with a step stool so he can reach it. Did you know Boston College was the only Division I-A school that recruited him and he graduated as a consensus All-American? ... "Rock & Roll, Part 2" (where the fans yell "Hey") will not be played in NFL stadiums this year. Gary Glitter, who wrote the song, is now in jail ... "Basic Instinct 2" tanked at the box office. You could say more people paid money to see Terry Bradshaw in the buff (in "Failure to Launch") than Sharon Stone.
-- Used to be that fantasy camps were a pro game. For $5,000 you can now spend one week living a football dream at Notre Dame.
-- According to Shirley Stedman, cats have no ability to taste sweet things.
-- Under pressure from the feds, ex-Arizona Diamondback pitcher Jason Grimsley coughed up all the names of those steroid-using players but now might consider being their mascot--the Phoenix Canary ... A's pitcher Barry Zito wants to be traded to L.A. or N.Y. because they would be good for his future--music. That explains why overweight Red Sox pitcher David Wells wants to play for a team closest to a Cracker Barrel ... Former Dodger Steve Garvey owes countless creditors yet still lives in luxury and gives motivational speeches about "integrity". This guy has U.S. senator written all over him.
-- Regarding tennis star Maria "the Human Car Alarm" Shreikapova: Close your eyes and see if you can't tell if it's tennis or surgery without anesthesia.
-- In closing, this from Jay Bahner: "My friend Matt's grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping!"
(Some of the information in this column was obtained from other news organizations)
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