-- Lately, major college football coaches have lost their jobs for physically abusing a player. New policy - players get to hit back and problem disappears ... Now the Hasselbecks will do a one-day swap. Elizabeth spent January 19 as an NFL analyst for ESPN and quarterback Tim will co-host "The View" next week. Let's hope hefty John Daly never marries a Playboy centerfold ... What makes new USC coach Lane Kiffin such a golden boy (12-21 record so far)? Coaches who suddenly walk away from their contracts should sit out a year, just like the players.
-- Sarah Palin deserves to be on the NFL pre-game show: her hair is as gorgeous at Jimmy Johnson's, her front teeth are an improvement over Michael Strahan's, she drives a pickup like Howie Long's and she is as dense as Terry Bradshaw ... Cowboys get beat and Jessica Simpson is finally off the hook ... A Bills backup running back is accused of stealing $20 last month in a Hamburg, NY restaurant. Rumor has it, he has been offered a part in the McDonald's Super Bowl commercial as the Hamburglar.
-- According to Jill Berry, a snail can sleep for three years.
-- Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas faces five years in jail on felony gun charges. Possibly he can plea-bargain down to two years with the lowly Nets (3-38). On the plus side, he's suddenly the leading vote-getter for the NRA All-Star Game. Maybe someday he will open a Guns 'R' Us chain of stores.
-- Mark McGwire claims that steroids didn't give him an unfair advantage. Guess he just liked the minty-fresh taste. He credits all those homers to "the man upstairs". Apparently McGwire's steroid dealer was living in an attic above the gym. Pete Rose is banned from baseball and this bozo is still able to earn a living in MLB ... Amazing fact - Twins MVP Joe Mauer hit just one infield popup the entire season.
-- Tiger Woods is on the cover of Vanity Fair without a shirt. Is he about to lose it in his divorce settlement? If he really wants to curb his addiction, why doesn't he move in with Rosie O'Donnell? For Valentine's Day, is Tiger about to promote a new medication - "Tiagra"?
-- And finally, Jack Peck asks what did the Maine fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, pick a cod!
(Some of the information in this column was obtained from other news organizations)
