Friday, Oct 24, 2014
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Put the law on your side


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It’s extremely comforting that so many local law firms stand ready to aid us in troubled times.

Accordingly, as a public service I hereby list the names of several firms and their well-known slogans, with short descriptions of each.

Summers & Honker

“The Aggravating Attorneys”

To the accusation that they’re ambulance chasers, a company spokesman replied, “That is completely false and I deny it profusely. Uh, excuse me, I just heard something on my police scanner. Can I call you back?”

Organ & Organ

“For the Peons”*

(*Representation limited to those with slam-dunk six-figure-or-higher cases or capable of paying mega retainers.)

Heading the effort to legalize medical prostitution in Florida, lead partner Don Organ supports the ballot initiative. “Studies show that the services of a prostitute provide restorative therapy to those battling depression,” said Organ. “And let’s face it – no pun intended – many would say both of our professions do a good job of taking the shirts off the backs of our clients.”

Amsterdam & Day

“Where your injured bad back is our good bank”

With 18 million attorneys in offices located on every block in the world, A&D is pushing to change the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to: Give me your rich, your affluent, your chosen few, your wretched trust-fund babies, all yearning for a big payday.

Send these, the mansion-dwellers, to me and I’ll lift my gate so together we can cash our settlement checks.

The Peter Tighten-the-Noose Law Group

“The lawyers we want between you and your wallet”

I tried to interview Peter Tighten, the firm’s head honcho, but that proved elusive.

“Sorry, but I’d rather keep a low profile and not overly expose myself on TV or other media,” he said. “Then again, maybe your five readers should know that if they’re waiting for the arrival of the jaws of life or en route to a hospital in an ambulance, not to worry – our new ‘Instant Plaintiff’ app allows you to sign our representation contract on your cell phone that assigns your house to us as collateral.”

1-800-ASK-MARY

“Free neck braces for the first 500 callers”

Specializing in TV ads of non-attorney spokespersons dressed as police officers and EMS techs, I wanted to know something about their advertising policies.

Office Manager Ima Hack replied, “All I know is that our president was voted ‘Most Likely to Get His Hand In Your Pocket’ in school.”

Note: The hiring of a lawyer is an important decision that should not be based solely upon advertisements. Before you decide, ask them to send you free written information about all the cases they’ve blown and the malpractice suits filed against them.

Doug Kelly, a resident of Clearwater, is a book author and successful freelance writer who’s worked on the editorial staffs of state and national magazines. He’s a member of several media organizations as well as the Society of American Travel Writers.

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