Tuesday, Sep 23, 2014
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Save the Skeeters


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A new and revolutionary initiative will dramatically shift the way the world now thinks about mosquitoes.

Nat Swatter, an entomologist for Friends of Mosquitoes and Miscellaneous Vermin (FMMV) in Clearwater, seeks to reverse thousands of years of itchy hostility.

“I have successfully captured and rehabilitated mosquitoes,” Swatter recently announced. “By reprogramming the insect’s sensory system, it chooses to suck on animals other than humans.”

SC Johnson, the makers of OFF and RAID, immediately repudiated the claim and filed an injunction order. However, FMMV already broke ground on a medical clinic and therapy center that will provide surgical facilities, doctors, support staff and an Italian blood bank for a 12 million-bed hospital. Red Welt Industries and Vermin Herman Toys are jointly manufacturing the special one-quarter by one-quarter inch beds.

A double-blind study utilizing mosquito decoys, background screaming by Aretha Franklin and aroma from an unwashed Chris Christie T-shirt revealed that people exposed to FMMV mosquitoes received no bites. Only when the Chris Christie T-shirt was removed did the insects revert to the behavior of Mongols that sacked China.

“We need blood donors and new members to continue our work,” said Swatter. “Italians with unusually high sugar counts are especially encouraged to apply.”

For a donation of only $19 per month, a FMMV membership will include a picture of the mosquito you’re helping, periodic updates on its condition and a “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Buzzer” bumper sticker. Offer void in states with a majority of Democrats.

I’ve taken the liberty of asking Florida Senators Bill Nelson and Marco Rubio to co-sponsor a bill in Congress for a national “Ditch the Itch” holiday.

With the help of our elected officials, we environmentalists can encourage sensitivity toward preserving another one of nature’s fragile ecosystems.

In turn, we will save millions of dollars a year in costs for bug sprays and screened porches, plus reduce diseases previously spread by the oppressive little blood-sucking flying vampires.

“Catching, rehabilitating and releasing mosquitoes back into the wild instead of smashing them against sweaty arms puts us on the road to new discoveries,” said Blacky Periplaneta, Senior Information Officer for the think tank Vigilance and Oversight Merits Ingenious Techniques. “V.O.M.I.T looks to the day when cockroaches are welcomed home guests and we share picnics with red ants.”

Update – this just in at press time: A class-action medical malpractice suit has been filed against FMMV by the law firm So Sioux Me in behalf of mosquito patients at the hospital. A spokesperson cited overcrowded conditions at the hospital and low Italian blood supplies.

Doug Kelly, a resident of Clearwater, is a book author and successful freelance writer who’s worked on the editorial staffs of state and national magazines. He’s a member of several media organizations as well as the Society of American Travel Writers.

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