Thursday, Jul 24, 2014
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The Affordable Hair Act Musings from the eccentric but undeniably brilliant mind of Doug Kelly.

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After witnessing the flawless rollout of the Affordable Care Act, I hasten to recommend an equally worthy governmental effort that should be enacted: The Affordable Hair Act.

Some will argue that it could save taxpayers money and fix the greedy hair care industry. After all, any mouth breather like myself will instantly recognize the pressing need for federal regulations for hairdressers, stylists, cosmetologists, barbers, et al. It’s a win-win situation transparent to any politician unafraid of reelection prospects.

Just consider the unjust fees for hair care we now endure. Although the older people get, the thinner their hair, those with receding hairlines pay the same as folks with mops thicker than walrus fur. The cost of a haircut keeps going up while scalp follicles keep going down. Meanwhile, there’s no improvement in either haircut quality or barber implements. In fact, I suspect my barber has washed the same body sheet thrust around my neck 5,000 times and my fanny settles where 10,000 other rumps have rested. But that’s nothing compared to the unfair treatment of the sexes – my hair treatment sets me back $13 while my wife pays $113 and she’s never happy with it.

The Affordable Hair Act will rectify all that. A Hair Czar appointed by the President will establish uniform prices for men, women and children, with a fee dependent on the quantity of hair. Does a dog groomer charge the same for a Chihuahua as a Great Dane?

Citizens will be able to quickly access a website exchange to choose a variety of products, services, barbers or stylists approved by the Hair Czar. Coverage will include all treatments of hair and equipment that will be outlined in an easy-to-read, 20,000-page volume of regulations in two-point font. But let’s not quivel over the dirty little details, shall we? Tell your congress-person to pass the Affordable Hair Act and we’ll sort out any splitting of the hairs as we come to them. The registration deadline is June 1. On second thought, let’s make it Aug. 1 just to be sure. Unless, that is, we need to push it to Oct. 1. Whatever.

Employers with at least one employee exhibiting a metabolism must include hair care in all benefit plans. Failure to do so will result in an IRS notice delivered to your door by an unsmiling bald-headed fellow with facial tattoos named Mr. DeMarco. You would be well advised to do as Mr. DeMarco says.

Finally, let me make one thing perfectly clear: If you have a barber or stylist you like, you could keep that barber or stylist. Period. Well, maybe not a period … how about a question mark?

Some will argue that the Affordable Hair Act will end up costing us more, not less, for a haircut or styling job. But that shouldn’t reduce the comfort of knowing that our government could finally put the kibosh on all those brunettes running around with gray roots. And for those who might point out that our government is $17 trillion in debt and federal programs like Medicare and Social Security are headed for bankruptcy, I say tut-tut – that’s no indication that the Affordable Hair Act will be anything but a hair-raising success.

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